There is this woman that I know who, lately, is just bugging the sh** out of me! She constantly has something negative to say, many times for no good reason. Just the other day, she told me that I need to cleanup my house better because its always a mess! She followed me to my washer and dryer and literally GASPED at the sight of the huge laundry pile just sitting in front of the washer.
Yesterday, she had the NERVE to tell me I need to do more time at the gym, (and put down the taquitos), if I ever wanted to be able to wear a swimsuit that WASN’T designed for a woman older than 65 and feel good about how I looked. (She then went on a rant about how thin my eyebrows were and almost made me cry!)
The final straw came when she saw what I was feeding my kids for dinner. Cereal. Of all the things I could’ve given them for dinner, I just haaaaad to give them cereal. *Insert eye roll* & *Insert the bird* (Diary, you KNOW which bird I am referring to )….
In my defense, it was a busy day and I was too tired to make a full meal. But this discourteous woman didn’t care. She just lectured me about being more productive during the day and making better use of my time. “You are a housewife! Your kids go to school all morning! Stop wasting your time writing blog posts for a blog that nobody reads, and go mop the floor instead!”
Allow me to introduce you to her, Diary. No, She is not my mother in law, (my mother in law who I call “Mil” is THE kindest and understanding mother in law you could ask for). Nor is she my own mother, who is also the sweetest woman in the world.
This woman is actually myself. I refer to her as my inner B****. She is rarely pleased or nice to me and she always has SOMETHING to say. No matter how much I try to please her, she offers little to no validation. Sometimes she will praise me and tell me I’m pretty. Other days, she just shits on my dreams and tells me that I need to cake on the makeup. I have a love hate relationship with her.
Why is it that we woman, or adults in general, are so damn hard on ourselves? We overthink everything and when we look in the mirror, or look around our house or think about whatever our situation is in life right now, we are always so critical and just downright mean?
Of course it is okay to want to make improvements in our life and to make mental notes of things we can do better next time, but many times the inner dialogue gets too long, unnecessary, and becomes not very constructive.
I would NEVER be that harsh to any other human being. I wouldn’t just walk into someones house and talk about how their dishes aren’t washed. I wouldn’t tell someone that they should be further than where they are in life right now…
So Diary, why am I so hard on myself?
Thats when I took out a photo of me as a little girl. I studied that cute, adorable girl with happy smile, poofy hair, and star in her eye. I thought of my own children. I could never tell them that they aren’t good enough, or pretty enough, or that their dreams won’t come true because they just weren’t meant for them.
I believe my inner B**** will always be there, and I know she truly does means well, but its time to tune her out and reprogram her little by little to be more fair, constructive, and forgiving.
Thanks for listening, Diary. I hope your inner bitch is kind and not so bitchy towards you! Maybe she just needs to eat some cupcakes or drink a mai tai? hmmmm……